Forced Intuitivity

Hello, mah beauties! Happy Sunday, to you all :) I hope you all had a lurrrvly weekend. Mine has been quasi-relaxing thus far – I had work yesterday (as much as I wanna boo, I like work, so this was not boo-worthy :D), but it was a short shift so the rest of my day was spent bumming around and doing just a lil school work. Also, catching up on my beauty sleep has been a priority as I’ve been battling a nasty cold :( (This is, most defs, boo-worthy). Luckily my immune system has severly improved in more recent months, so it didn’t take very much to get over this one – lotsa garlic and strawberries! (Vitamin C!!! The most delicious vitamin? I vote YES). Glad I’m almost over it because today I’m heading out to The Island for a day out with my friends!

Potluck + boozing + good company + beautiful view = good day in store!

Before I continue, let us remember this delicious breakfast that once was:

It came

[[ PC Whole Grain Steel Cut Oats cooked in tea and Vitasoy. In the mix: chia seeds, almonds and cinnamon. Topped avec: goji berries and Bootleg Dark Chocolate Dreams (1 tbsp White Chocolate Wonderful + cocoa powder, thinned with soy milk...'cause I'm ghetto industrious like that). Fact: Goji berries = new lovee!!! I always thought they'd be hard eaten raw...but they're chewy like raisins! You can cook em in and they plump up, like raisins do, but I like them better on top (TWSS). ]]

It brought happiness into my life

Then it disappeared into the ether (aka, mah belly)

Only to be recreated tomorrow, no doubt ;)

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On the intuitive eating front: I’ve been getting a hang of this thing, slowly but surely. I’ve started becoming more comfortable with, and even enjoying eating out. Despite the hit it’s been taking on my wallet, I’ve been eating out more often recently, namely because of convenience. Like so many in recovery, I’ve dealt with a fear of food prepared by others, fast food without any listed nutritional information in particular. I’ve realized that the quicker I just face my fear and look it right in the eyes, the less scary it appears.

Can I also just say – having those intuitive eating days takes such a burden off of planning, packing and carrying around tupperware and junk? It just makes life easier and makes me feel like I’m eating to live, as opposed to living to eat – like I’ve been doing for so long.

I do still struggle with the concept, however. Understandably – there are frickin books written about learning how to intuitively eat! Not to mention that I’ve been living in this disorder for years (ugh, years…). Things I’ve noticed about my intuitive eating habits that I need to fix:

- Breakfast. I love breakfast. But especially when I’m intuitively eating, I fear eating much of anything. I feel like it’s too early in the day and I don’t know what’s coming. What if someone wants to get muffins once I walk into class? This is NOT ideal – I do not function well to leaving home on an empty stomach. I don’t know how I’ll get over this, but I’ll need to figure out a way, especially since most of my intuitive eating days are long school days, and I’ve come to learn that I don’t function well on an empty stomach!




- Even when I feel definitively full, I often feeling like eating. Most would naturally say “well, I guess you’re still hungry” – but I feel full. I think it comes from normally having to force myself to scarf down extra snacks to meet my calories. However, when I’m counting, I’ll feel full and want to pace my food out. When I’m eating intuitively, I’ll just want to eat the next thing in sight. I’m hoping this goes away after getting used to not depriving myself to various “unclean” foods.




- I tend to go for low-fat, when given the choice. The good thing for me about counting calories is making allowences to eat higher fat/sugar/calorie/etc foods. I’ll either “make room” for them or I’ll realize that they fit well within my caloric range. When I don’t have those numbers in front of me, however, and am forced to choose between, say, skim or 2% in my hot chocolate, I’ll almost definitively go for skim milk (even though I love soy even more, despite the fat content…but they don’t have that on campus :( ). Ditto with choosing something like a salad – I’ll go for that over, say, some rice or noodles as a side at a restaurant. It’s so dumb because on days when I’m counting, I never hesitate to go over the “daily acceptable amount of fat/sat fat”, but on days when I don’t know where I’m at, I just opt for lower fat.




- I hate eating more than others around me. This makes me feel so guilty. I know my needs are greater than those of the people around me. I also know that once they go home, they likely have a big, calorific dinner and dessert or snacks whereas I’ll go home and feel as if I’ve eaten enough and skimp. I also know I’m making my friends feel bad. I know they’re watching me, thinking things like “Why is she having skim milk in her hot chocolate instead of standard 2%?”. Esspecially those friends who don’t know about my ED. They’ve seen pictures of me pre-ED and know I’ve always been slim. But even though I’ve gained a great deal, I’m still really skinny (atleast I can acknowledge this now!). I just want to stop being that skinny girl who drinks skim milk and become Izzy again.





- Keeping portable snacks on hand in case I get hungry. When I’m planning my day out, I’ll usually leave a little leaway incase I get hungry mid-lecture or on the bus or something. I’ll pack a banana and some nut butter or a Larabar or some trail mix to hold me over. On intuitive eating days, I don’t want to have those snacks at hand because I feel like having it will prevent me from eating normally at my next meal and that I’ll try to undercompensate for that little snack. Hate this one esspecially.

I’m going to conciously challenge myself with these things this week. I really think I’m a bit of an over-organizer because having these lists really helps me out! When I see it all laid out in front of me, written out as opposed to thoughts jumbling around in my brain, it seems real and concrete.

I know looking at these notes makes it seem like I’ve made no progress but I know I’m eating enough because I still tally my calories at the end of the day (not micronutrients, though), and if it takes for me to have, like, two Clif Bars and a Boost at the end of the day, I’ll have it. I haven’t gone under my amount yet, and I haven’t lost any weight.

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As much as I love the autumn, I hate how early it gets dark!!! Less day to enjoy, less pretty pictures of my meals (no fancy DSLR-that-can-take-fancy-pictures-in-no-light ovah hurr). I am however digging the light compensation on my new camera (Still kicking! Wooot!). Either way, please don’t hate for the lack of quality slaaash photos in general!

[[ Some days, all you need is noodles and cheese to make it all better ]]

[[ This was one of those days ]]

[[ I had a random nostalgic-craving for the old-school Kraft Dinner Macaroni and Cheese that were spaghetti. I don't think they even make them anymore (truth: I looked for them), so I got my shizz together and made it myself! PC 100% Whole Wheat Spaghetti with nooch-cheeze-sauce and some diced tomato and mozzerella grated over. Omg. Yes. Yes. Yes. Love ]]

[[ I realized I haven't posted any pre-breakfasts in a while. Probs cause they almost all look like this. Not the most beautiful meal, but mucho delicioso. Goji berries (lovelovelove) + cashews... ]]

[[ ...plus my first ever Vega bar. Bought it because it was expiring soon (holla 50% off!). I really liked it a lot! Reminded me of a Larabar in texture, except with the lovely, crunchy addition of buckwheat. It tasted a bit more hemp-y, too, if you know what I mean. I didn't mind this. If I found it 50% again, I'd definately buy more!! Their a bit more than I can afford at regular price :S ]]

[[ Smoothies are baller prebreakfasts. Quick - easy - nutritious - SATIATING. These puppers keep me full for longer than some of my oatmeal breakfasts do! I tried my hand at a bootleg chocolate-cherry bomb here. Cocoa powder + cherry yoghurt + whey protein + bananarama + almond butter.

[[ I don't eat much meat - actually, I barely eat meat. There's never much around the house on account of my dad, but I decided to pick up these turkey scallopinis at the store one day. I marinated it in a mix of balsamic, a little soy sauce and some spices, then grilled the fillet on the 'Foreman. Eaten with a side of sauteed broccoli and mung bean sprouts and Kashi Pilaf. Yummmmmy! ]]

[[ Nothing better to end a day with than an evening cereal/yoghurt-messs ]]

[[ Kashi GLC + cherry yoghurt + strawberries + Post Just Bunches Caramel ... who says I have to limit myself to one cereal?! ]]

Aiight, off for a lurvly day on the island! I can’t believe I’ve lived in the city my whole life and only been there once – when I was in kindergarten! Apparently there are a bunch of nice little restaurants there too so maybe when we get sick of the freezing cold we’ll check those out :) And hopefully I don’t freeze my sniffly booty off! ;)

[[ izzyyxoxoxx ]]

PS. Check out this Pure Bar giveaway!

PPS. Garlic lovin’ over at Meals and Moves!

PPPS. Larabars! That is all.

Tagged: ED, goji berries, intuitive eating, kashi, oatmeal, pasta, peanut butter and co, recovery, Vega