Funhouse Mirrors

When I get off the elevator on my floor at work, there is a set of glass doors to the right of me. These doors will drive me insane one day. My reflection in the main doors looks good. I look tall, somewhat slim and not flabby. I smile and think "Yay! All my hard work is starting to payoff. I might even try to flirt with someone tonight - or at least not shrug off any compliments I receive."

I turn to go into the office and out of the corner of my eye, I catch the SIDE PANEL of the glass door. This panel makes me look fat. Not extremely obese - just fat enough to know that all of my work is for nothing and that no matter how hard I try I'm going to die alone in ill-fitting clothes.

I then start to second-guess all mirrors. The mirror at the gym is much more flattering than the one in the work bathroom. I have to believe that the one in the gym is the liar, since the gym has a much bigger incentive to make us look a bit thinner than we are.

I swear there's the tiniest difference between my upstairs and downstairs bathrooms. If I'm feeling a bit fat one day, I'll be sure to stop by the mirror downstairs for a bit of a boost before facing the dreaded work side panel.

I really don't know how I look anymore at all. I don't know if I'm fat. People say I'm not, but when I catch a glimpse of myself naked before I get in the shower, it's enough to make me want to join a nunnery. I oftentimes won't buy an outfit that's a bit risky without taking a dozen pictures first to make sure that I'm not fooling myself into thinking that I look better than I really do.

I won't let anyone post pictures of me on Facebook without letting me screen them first. If anyone does put an unflattering pic of me up, it is un-tagged by me in the blink of an eye.

Why do I do this to myself? Am I that self-involved to think that everyone is just sitting around discussing if I'm fat or not? No, it's just a compulsion that I'd LOVE to be free of. All I want is to put on something and not worry that I have to adjust it 100 times a day to ensure that any possible bulges are covered or that my skirt hits the thinnest part of my legs. I'd love to not have to "pose" for every picture - face to the side, chin out and slightly down, half-smile, legs crossed and torso turned like I'm in a damned pageant 24-hours a day.

Do I have a solution for this? No not really. Right now I'm trying to shift my focus into the power of my body and the way I can make my body feel and perform thru healthy eating and exercise. But don't be surprised if you see a tall, possibly-fat, half-black woman yelling at a glass door to stop calling her fat.