On All Fours

When the [weather] high for the day is 0, there is little to get excited for--I mean, at all.  Why risk leaving bed before the bladder threshold is met and the pain of dormancy overcomes the joy of warmth?  All raison d'être is lost during these times.  It's lost until another combatant enters the arena rumbling--the noble stomach.

The stomach requires sustenance.  There is no room for more cold--albeit yogurt, cottage cheese, or milk and cereal.  Hot, rich, unctuous pork is required.  Pork makes everything better.  Unfortunately, pork is rarely ready in a short time frame.  Even the flagship, bacon, requires 20 minutes to cook properly.  But what if we had prepared pork in a jar for on-demand use?  What if the day, week, or month before I was bored, and did the following?