Rubber Ninja vs Energy Drinks (Part I)

Rubber Ninja presents.... a comprehensive guide to Energy Drinks!
(Part One)

I always reach for the Red Bull when in need of a caffeine-hit.

But with the explosion of energy drinks on the market, I just had to know what I was missing out on.

Which one provides the most energy?
Which one tastes the best?
Which ones don't work?


So... What's in the Can?

Caffeine: stimulates our central nervous system, helps reduce sleepiness. 80mg = same as average cup of coffee.
Taurine: natural amino acid produced by the body. Helps regulate heart beat and muscle contractions.
Glucuronolactone: naturally-occuring metabolite and important compound for connective tissue.
Inositol: naturally occurring, prevents fat accumulation in liver, promotes hair growth and is necessary for nourishing the brain. Present in everyday foods (e.g. bran, legumes).
Guarana: seed extract contains twice the caffeine content than a coffee bean. Increases memory, alertness and mood.
Ginseng: Root extract, stimulant.


Most energy drinks add vitamins like Niacin (B3), Riboflavin (B2) and Vitamins B5, B6 & B12 but I haven?t listed them here. Consensus seems to be that most of the kick comes from the Caffeine and Sugar content, as the concentrations of everything else are not large enough to have any effect.

Results of course are subjective and obviously aren?t the result of stringent empirical testing.
For objective comparison I?ve done up a side-by-side table of the good stuff in each can, scaled to a standardised volume (250ml).


Samedi (500ml)
This can grabbed me instantly, all granite with a skull scrawled in blood-like graphics and peppered with some foreign language. The skull depicted is Baron Samedi, Haitian voodoo spirit of resurrection and he sounds like one scary dude!

'Leve Sa K Deja Mouri' scrawled underneath means "raise that which is already dead". On the back is text in a crazy language with the translation underneath reading:
"He passed through the edge of darkness to find a potion more powerful than life. When found, it delivered such intense energy that it is believed to have the strength to awaken the dead".

Who knew energy drinks could be this educational?




I'd say the potion more powerful than life is liquid sugar, with the quantity weighing in at a whopping 57g per 500ml can.

Taste: Pouring a glass reveals a cola-coloured beverage. Flavour is at odds with the design; it tastes like a kid's birthday party with a mix of cola nut and red creaming soda. Doesn't have the tart taste of Red Bull.
Kick: Don't drink this if you require fine-motor skills. The amount of trouble I had typing this out; My fingers wanted to go twice as fast with half the accuracy! Huge buzz. Ace. Woo woo! *runs around house in circles*


V - Guarana (250ml)

Taste: very similar to a Red Bull, but sweeter and without the 'cat's piss' tartness, as I believe it's affectionately referred to by its critics.
Kick: Good general alertness level. Went from from sleepy and fuzzy to normal levels within 30 minutes.

Mother (500ml)
Mother as in ?mother of all energy drinks?. Sure is!
Definitely marketed as an ?extreeeeeeeeeeme to the maaaaaaaax? drink for males:

?If you need a MOTHER of an energy hit, you need MOTHER. It delivers double the hit in a big black can. So now when your mate turns up with a wussy-sized can, you can raise your mother up and proudly say ?did yours come with a man bag??

?Best drunk freeze your nuts off cold?

?Warning! High caffeine content?ok. We know that?s why you?re drinking it but our lame legal guys made us warn you not to feed this to kids, up the duff women or the weak who just can?t tolerate it"







Taste: Apparently used to taste TERRIBLE until they completely overhauled the recipe to bring it closer to Red Bull. Now, it's one of my favourites. Probably because it tastes like carbonated liquid fairy floss! Not for those who don't like sweet drinks, that's for sure.

Kick: Warning: giggling at inappropriate moments will ensue. I downed a can after 4.5 hours of sleep and before 3 hours of mind-numbing lectures. It kicked-in with a vengeance, where I found myself smiling for no reason, being a little hyper/creative/insane, and spontaneously giggling.

Not good when your lecturer is talking about electrocution and fatalities.

Must. Channel. Serious. Face.


SmartEnergy- Blood Orange and Chili (250ml)

?Look at you, you?re so mentally disheveled you?re reading the tiny, pointless blurb on the front of an energy drink can. Luckily, we can help?


Taste: nice orange flavour (like an upmarket Fanta) with a slight warm burn at the end of every mouthful. Except the last when you reach the chili sediment from the bottom and you cop a little more va-voom).

Kick: Unfortunately, it doesn?t do too much. Was feeling a little sleepy before and was still out of it two hours after. Maybe a general increase in alertness. This is the first drink I?ve seen spruiking ?Yerbe mate? a plant used to make tea, with caffeine-like properties. Take the ?research? with a pinch of salt; doesn?t seem cite scientific research to back-up the claims.





SmartEnergy- Citrus (250ml)
Taste: This is a good flavour if you don?t like sweet carbonated drinks. Personally, I?m not a fan; to me it tastes like ?Eno? or some other effervescent antacids.


Smart Energy- Blueberry (250ml)
Taste: The sweetest flavour of the SmartEnergy range. Was a little hesitant to try at first as I really don't like blueberries, but this was tasty!


Monster (500ml)
?Unleash the beast?
?Tear into a can of the meanest energy drink on the planet; MONSTER ENERGY. We went down to the lab and cooked up a double shot of our killer energy brew. It?s a wicked mega hit that delivers twice the buzz of a regular 250ml energy drink" [ed: oh really? I guess that?s because it?s twice the size *smacks forehead*] "MONSTER, packs a powerful punch but has a smooth flavour you can really pound down"


Taste: Whoah! Tastes like liquid, carbonated TwinPoles, with a mix of lemonade, raspberry and Passiona flavours. Delicious tasting, but very sweet.

Kick: Worked a treat energy-wise.





You'll Love Coles ?Zu? - Purple can (250ml)


Taste: not too bad, like a cross between a diluted Red Bull and the grape flavoured Hubba Bubba gum.


Kick: Probably the least effective, as it did absolutely nothing to my general alterness or drowsiness over a 3 hour period. I had to have another caffeine hit to get me through!













RockStar (473ml)

"ROCKSTAR Energy Drink is scientifically formulated for those who lead active and exhausting lifestyles - from athletes to rock stars"


Taste: a sugary version of Red Bull.

Kick: took a while to kick-in, but it?s crept up on me now! Was bouncing on the spot and talking and singing to myself in a slightly nonsensical fashion (although I?m at home alone, so it?s ok. I guess. Don't look at me like that!)


















Most caffeine: Monster, Rockstar, Mother, SmartEnergy (almost equal with Zu & V)
Most sugar: Monster, Rockstar, Zu, SmartEnergy
Most Taurine: Monster, Rockstar, Mother


Best of group One: Rockstar
Runner-up(s): Mother/Monster


If after all that energy you need to bring yourself down, how about a Slow Cow anti-energy drink? :)

Stay tuned for part Two, as there's plenty more flavours to try!