Top Five Principles of Effective Parenting

The top five principles of effective parenting all lead a child to feel secure.  When humans feel secure we can be ourselves, develop our talents, relate well with others, have healthy relationships, and find real joy.  Without a measure of security we withdraw, build defensive emotional barriers, get angry, lash out, drift off, try things like food and drugs and sex in a search for security, reject the values we've been taught since they're apparently not working, and generally fail in life.  It's just as true of adults as it is of kids.  The difference is that adults are responsible for providing their own secure environment, while kids are at the mercy of adults.



The top five parenting principles that will help children feel secure are:



1. Show love to your kids

2. Teach your children

3. Consistency in routines and rules

4. Be a good example

5. Love your spouse



Kids need to be sure they are loved.  They have to hear it, see it, feel it, and generally have it proved to them several times a day.  Everyone feels love a little differently.  For some kids a hug means everything while with other kids making a favorite treat screams, I care about you.  To be on the safe side be sure your doing some of these things on a regular basis with all of your kids: spending quality time together, giving small gifts, like the aforementioned favorite treat, giving hugs or holding their hand, give compliments, or do a little act of service for them.  Then also watch your kids and pay attention to what really screams love to them and then focus on giving them the kind of love they really crave.  Oh, and don't neglect to say the words, "I love you" as often as possible.



It makes no difference where your child is schooled, it is your job as a parent to teach your kids.  Some of that is farmed out to the school or the Sunday school, but the full brunt of the responsibility still rests on the shoulders of the parent.  Spend time learning to throw a ball, doing homework, making a craft together, going grocery shopping, planning for a vacation, fixing a car, or reading together.  But the most important stuff you teach your kids are the values you want passed on.  Make sure you're articulating those values by holding a formal time for it.  We do Family Night once a week to keep us on track with the teaching responsibilities we have.  Kids really need to be grounded and to understand what their parents expect or, in the teen years especially, they'll really flounder.  Some kids have trouble anyway, but at the very least they always know what to fall back on when their way doesn't work.  Parents have by far the biggest influence on their kids.  Make sure your kids are getting the message loud and clear.



Be consistent in your home life as much as possible.  Bedtimes and wake up times should be regular.  Family meals together should be the norm.  Regular routines like going to church on Sunday are valuable.  Kids also need to have consistent house rules.  First decide what's really important to you and then decide how to deal with it when the kids cross the lines.  Kids will try to cross the lines.  They are constantly checking those barriers to make sure they're still there, especially when they are teens.  They want to be sure that you care about them under any circumstances and they'll throw the worst circumstances at you just to check.  Do you love me when I pierce my eyebrow?  Do you love me when I break curfew?  If you do, you'll assert the family rules and make me toe the line, while remembering principle one and showing greater love than ever. Of course all this is much easer if you start early, but at any point you can sit down, hold a family council and discuss how things will be in the future, with the input of your kids.



Guess what, if you're not living by the family standards you expect from the kids then they're going to pick what you do and not what you say as their benchmark.  If you get all hot and bothered when they swear, but have a potty mouth yourself, the kids are certainly going to be potty mouths.  You are their hero, their model, their paragon of adult perfection.  No of course you won't really be perfect, but keep working at it and apologize and try again when you mess up.  Part of the blessing of parenting is that it makes you a better person.



There is no real way for kids to feel secure if their parent's marriage is on the rocks.  Not all marriages make it, some really should end, but hopefully that's not you.  But to make it not you, you have to work at marriage. You have to decide to love your spouse.  You can't run on the fumes left over form courtship for long, without a more mature refuel.  Just like kids have "love triggers" so do adults.  Find out what really makes your spouse feel loved and then give them what they really need.  Figure out what you need and tell your spouse in plain English without cryptic hints, without guilt trips, and without giving ultimatums.  Love each other and make sure your kids know it.