Let?s Be Real

I?m going to take a cue from Amanda and just be real with you guys for a bit. Last night was maybe the first day that I haven?t blogged since I started blogging in January. I felt strange not blogging but I needed a night to de-plug myself from the internet and digest the bad news. Bad news? Yep. I usually try to keep things positive and be strong for you guys but you know, sometimes I just have to be honest. Yesterday was not a good day. There are several reasons for that but mainly because we received the results from my bone density scan and well, they were not good. Now, in retrospect, I know that it could be much worse than it is. But it?s still bad. Basically I have Osteopenia which is?

Osteopenia refers to bone mineral density (BMD) that is lower than normal peak BMD but not low enough to be classified as osteoporosis. Bone mineral density is a measurement of the level of minerals in the bones, which indicates how dense and strong they are. If your BMD is low compared to normal peak BMD, you are said to have osteopenia. Having osteopenia means there is a greater risk that, as time passes, you may develop BMD that is very low compared to normal, known asosteoporosis. [source]

It?s something that usually only older adults have to deal with but apparently it?s also common in athletes, those that are thin, and those that have/had eating disorders. It can be treated with diet, exercise, medication, lifestyle changes, etc. Now, this is based off of my own research and what we were told when we got the results; I have yet to actually meet with my doctor about it (which will happen on May 13).

When I first got the news, I was surprisingly not upset about it. I thought well, that explains why my bones are having a hard time healing and why this happened in the first place. But then the more I read about it, the more upset I became. This is not something a healthy 22 year old should have to deal with. This is not how my life was supposed to work out. How is this fair? And then I started to think about how this was my own fault because of my eating disorder. I did this to myself, basically. All those years of restricting and not giving my body what it needed and then years of over-exercise? I did it to myself. You can only push your body so far before it rebels.. and rebel it has. You think that once you recover from your eating disorder that that?s the end, it?s over, it?s in the past. But that?s not always the case. Your past has a way of coming back to haunt you sometimes. I guess that?s the hardest part of this, that it could have been prevented. I wish I had a time machine and could go back and change what I did to myself. I wish I could take it back. But I can?t. I made my choices, and now I have to live with the consequences. I have to put on my big girl pants and move forward because that?s all I can do at this point.

I don?t know what?s going to happen now and honestly, I?m really terrified. I?m not completely sure what this means about my stress fracture or my future life in general. I want to do everything I can to prevent it from turning into a full-blown case of osteoporosis and I know it?s not going to be easy, physically or emotionally. I have a long hard road ahead of me. But what can I do until my doctor?s visit? I?m not sure. I?m going to be seeing a nutritionist ASAP to work out the nutrition side of this and what I can do in that area. But otherwise, I?m at a loss. I know that this isn?t the end of the world, that life will go on. But it sucks, a lot. I?m trying not to be devastated about this but it?s kind of a challenge.

I do want to talk more about this at another time, including some revelations that I have come to today. But it?s been a trying couple of days emotionally and so I?m going to do that another time, along with the fact that this post is already kind of long as it is.

I also want to thank all of my twitter friends for their thoughts and prayers? you guys are amazing!

Ok, now back to the good stuff, the food

My meals were pretty epic yesterday, if I do say so myself. Starting with this delicious bowl of oats..

That were especially delicious because of these two ingredients:

It contained:

And was topped with blackberries, MaraNatha Almond Butter, and roasted pecans.

The blackberries were perfectly plump and juicy and the coconut milk gave it a hint of coconut, not too much, not too little.. just perfect. And the roasted pecans (that I roasted myself) and the almond butter took it to a whole new level! MaraNatha, you know what you are doing!

Pre-PT, I had a semi-light lunch of a smoothie, fruit, and cereal.

I made the smoothie using this protein powder. Jay Robb?s Pina Coloda.

Umm yeah, it was life-changing good. My smoothie had:

You have seriously GOT to try this combination. It was amazing!! I know I say that a lot but for real..

I also had some fresh strawberries and a new cereal that I picked up at Whole Foods.

This would Kashi Island Vanilla

I was debating between that one and the Cinnamon flavor but for some reason, the vanilla was cheaper?! Huh? Whatever, it was good anyway.

I had this Luna protein bar after PT. I?ve heard good and bad things about it but I was actually wowed by it!! Tasted like a candy bar! Granted, it has a good bit of sugar BUT a lot of protein. So whatever.

Despite the protein bar, I was still hungry when I got home. And so I listened to my body and ate. Sounds simple enough but a lot of us know that listening to your body and actually obeying is not always easy.

Anyhow, I had some yogurt, cantaloupe, and Kashi puffs.

And then I had a fabulous dinner with the parents!

We grilled out! They had steak and I had salmon. Grilled salmon is the BOMB!

Also had a baked Yukon Gold potato with a little Smart Balance.

And a salad with light ranch and homemade croutons (er, homemade by the Fresh Market).

It was a good dinner! And then I had a cookie and a half for dessert.

I also watched the movie It?s Complicated last night with my mom. Anyone seen it? VERY good!!!

I woke up kind of late for me this morning and so I wanted something kind of fast.

Enter cereal.
This was Nature?s Path Blueberry Cinnamon (tired of this yet?) with 1/2 of a banana, blueberries, blackberries, and coconut milk.

I?m in LOVE with the coconut milk!

I had a salad beast for lunch.

It had:

Um yeah. It was the best yet. Oh yes.

I had a bowl of yogurt, strawberries, and a peach with it.

This peach was the best I?ve had since last summer!!! SO GOOD. I have a slight obsession with good peaches.

After lunch, I had a *slight* breakdown and so I went out and just drove around with music blasting for about 2 hours. Some may say it?s a waste of gas but that?s when I do my best thinking. For some reason, it?s therapeutic to me.
Anyways, after my little crisis I came home and had a spoon full of peanut butter straight from the jar, along with a dried fig.

And then came dinner. Now, it?s VERY random so don?t judge me..

2 whole eggs with ketchup

Sweet potato fries with salt, cinnamon, and agave

Roasted squash with garlic powder that were like BUTTER!!!! Amazing.

And some thawed pumpkin cornbread.

It worked.

Now I?m not usually an advocate of eating your feelings but one must make exceptions sometimes. Especially for ice cream

Chick-Fil-A vanilla ice cream. You know it.

So I have pretty much spent the last two days wallowing in grief, feeling sorry for myself, crying, pushing people away (because that?s what I do when I?m upset for some reason)? but I?m done with that. Yes, I’ve gotten some bad news and I?ve had other personal things going on that I?d rather not announce to the entire world but you know, it is what it is. I have to figure out how to deal with it and move on. As I?ve preached about before, life is too short. So yeah, I?m sorry for my downer of a post. I love you all and I thank you for putting up with me!

I also wanted to welcome all of my new readers!! I promise, I?m not usually a Debbie Downer

Have a great weekend, what?s left of it. Go out and do something CRAZY! Enjoy life, live it to the fullest!

Love you all!

Jess

?So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains 
And we never even know we have the key. ?