Last High School Monday; June 14

You must all either remember, are experiencing, or are waiting to experience the dreadfulness of grade-school Mondays; days that just seem to go on and on without yielding for anything. It will generally start with a glance at a clock that shows 30 minutes past when you were supposed to wake up.

Cue: Panic.

Well, not exactly. My heart generally starts to race when I realize I am late, but today wasn’t too bad. I just woke up rather quickly, resulting in some lightheadedness (swear, I’ve done this before and actually fallen on the floor haha — I’m sure it was quite entertaining!), brushed my teeth, washed my face, threw together some oats, poured a travel mug of coffee, creamer, and cinnamon, emptied the dishwasher, and headed out the door. I’m officially suffering from major senioritis and I literally do not care about anything regarding school anymore. We have an AP stats project due tomorrow that is, uh, let’s just say terrible, and i’m not worrying at all. At this point, I’ve already been exempt from all my finals (thank God) and regardless of my skill in high school these next 2 days, I will still graduate. I technically don’t even have to go. It’s pretty pathetic we are still in school anyways (other schools in our area got out a month ago!)

I’m finding it hard to stay excited about college, which is REALLY strange for me, considering it’s been what I’ve been waiting for for what feels like, well, ever. I’m just so nervous that I can’t even focus on being excited. And it kills me. I’m worried that what happened last summer may repeat itself: I will start rethinking how important college really is to me, just as I rethought my soccer career, and I will lose weight. My mom has already told me that if I lose one lb, I’m coming home. All due respect though, she’s never once stuck to this whole shpeel. When I dropped to a measly 83 lbs while in Italy two summers ago, she swore she would take me home — but she didn’t. I guess it’s quite like the boy who cried wolf. I really don’t believe she would ever make me come home. The fact that she is even letting me, in fact almost forcing me, to go back to camp this summer kind of proves my point, no?

Well, after my weekend of extensive exercise (not really, but definitely more than I’m used to), I am embarrassed and disappointed to say I water loaded. Again. The thing is, I’m almost sure my therapist knows, because when I walked into her office, she glanced at me, frowned a bit, and asked me how many times I had been to the gym this past week [read: how much weight have you lost]. After I stepped on the scale and it faultily said I had gained a pound, she immediately asked if I had water loaded. I obviously said no, but then we talked about water loading for about 5 minutes or so. Regardless, I think she knows. I must start trying to do better and ween myself off the water loading. I’m just so upset with myself that I keep doing this, and I want to be honest with my therapist, because in the end, I know the only person I’m cheating is myself. Bleh.

Some Eats;

A regular slice of mushroom pizza disguised as “more healthy” covered with arugula. It does look a bit strange, but boy did it taste good :]

Accompanied by…

Carrots dipped in Sabra Spinach & Artichoke Hummus <3

Mocha Light Frap with an extra shot of espresso! I used to have these in exchange for a snack, but today I enjoyed it with a snack. A step up, I think!

Amazing WW Wrap with avocado, arugula, grilled mushrooms, hummus, and peach salsa!

Vanilla Almond Smoothie! – 1/2 cup vanilla yogurt, 2 cups crushed ice, 1 banana, & 1 Tbsp. Almond Butter.

&& While my look is MIA today…

I picked up my first pair of Asics this weekend!! These are great running shoes, and I got them on sale for $40! (They are generally $70-$110) I love the colors too — not gonna lie :]

Well, since I’m hoping our quilt campaign pledges will help the kids at the local elementary school help protect the environment, I figured, “Why don’t I make a pledge to protect me?”

Sure, it may sound corny. But maybe having a concrete pledge down in black-and-white will help to keep me on track, and help me to keep my eye on the prize. Thereforeeeeeee….

I pledge to do my very best to eat properly this week, exercise minimally, if at all, and attempt to actually gain some weight as opposed to faking my weigh-ins with loads of water. I also pledge to try to stay positive and make the most of my last week at home, as graduation is this a week and three days from now, and I will be leaving for camp on the 26th.

I somehow keep forgetting that life has more to offer than this silly disorder, that there IS a life beyond my anorexia. I am more than this disease, and I need to realize that I can be remembered as something other than “that really skinny girl.”

[weheartit.com]

I don’t want to lock up my dreams in a mason jar and spend my life suffering in insanity. I want to live.

xx

Becca