Passengers from hell

Taking a commercial flight is a bit like being held hostage for a few hours. You are at the mercy of those around you.



Your fellow passengers can make your flight pleasant or sheer hell. And the length of the journey certainly has a lot to do with how bearable the experience is.



One trip, mercifully a short one, found me sitting behind a large man who clearly hadn?t been near a shower for days. He had atrocious BO, the sort that remained in my nostrils long after he had heaved his body out of the seat, readjusted the cap on his lank hair, and waddled off the plane.



Where possible, I like to have an aisle seat, leaving me with at least one free elbow when it comes to meal times. It?s usually my luck to get sandwiched between a couple of lanky man with long arms who flap them like wings as they dive into the airline food. I don?t exclude The Spouse from this category. In fact, The Spouse can be an occasional burden. He?s very tall and usually starts complaining about the lack of leg space from the moment the seat numbers are assigned.



The incessant talker is another burden. On one flight last year the chap next to me had almost related his entire marital history by the time the plane had taken off. I was losing track of which wife he was talking about. Mercifully the flight attendant offered me a seat up the pointy end once the seatbelt sign was switched off.



My last flight across the Tasman earlier this month turned into another nightmare. We were in the first row behind business class so The Spouse had plenty of leg room. Minutes into the flight and I could feel a regular pushing from the seat behind me. It was abundantly apparent there was a small crotchety human behind me with its parents. Mother was trying desperately to humour little angel. I had a mental picture of child struggling on mother?s lap, incessantly kicking the back of my seat.



Once we were free to adjust our seat backs, I sent mine back a notch to make the kicking more of a challenge for the kid. Not much joy so I pushed it back further, hoping Mother would pass Angel over to Father. Father seemed to be one of the non-functioning variety ? he was probably wearing noise-cancelling headphones judging from his lack of involvement.



Anyway, my second seat adjustment caused Mother to lean forward and say ?Could you put your seat back up - I have a child back here!?



?Well,? I said as politely as I could, ?Would you mind asking him to stop kicking my seat??



The 'oblivious parent' is the worst offender



The seat assault continued unabated. It wasn?t until some time later when I went to use the bathroom I discovered Angel wasn?t sitting on Mother?s lap ? he was stuffed down in the space in front of her, his head just emerging above her knees. No wonder he was struggling and sniffling.. Yep, some kids do ?ave ?em.



But I?ve also sat next to mothers who are at great pains to make sure their kids don?t worry fellow passengers and I?ve gladly held babies and toddlers while Mum has her own meal.



According to a ?passenger from hell? survey of 155,000 members of tripadvisor.com, 39% of voters chose the ?oblivious parent? as the worst offender ? ones like Mother above who let their kids annoy other passenger. ?Their kids kick your seat from takeoff to touchdown. But these parents might as well be miles away.?



Next on the list was the space intruder, followed by the bio-hazard ? the person whop sneezes, sniffles and sweats the journey. The chatterbox and the smelly snacker were ahead of the carryall passenger who fills nearby overhead lockers and the space in front of your seat with her stuff. Seventh was the passenger with the itchy trigger-finger forever pressing the call button to gain attention.



Next was the seat swapper trolling the cabin ?trying to trade up, or give you their best puppy eyes and plead, ?Can you let us sit together?? ? Fortunately I?ve not encountered those.



Then there?s the nervous wreck, white-knuckling it the whole journey. I?ve found you can really get these ones going, if you ask them ?Any idea what time we land in Adelaide?? when in fact you?re en route to Sydney.



Finally there?s the ?entertainment director? who is blasting his tunes or watching car chase movies on his laptop. I had one sitting next to me on that recent flight, with the sound up to max on his headphones. Still, it could have been worse - I could have been flying to the UK...