Something fishy about these kittens

Kittens ? what does that world conjure up? Something cute, cuddly, sweet, lovable. Something that makes us go all sentimental and soppy. Something to love and nurture.

How about the word ?fish?? Something cold, scaly, wet, flapping. Sometimes with huge flesh-ripping razor teeth. Certainly not something to let settle on your lap while you watch TV. Not something you want burrowing down under the duvet in the middle of the night in search of warmth.

We think more benignly of fish when prompted by phrases like fish and chips, grilled barramundi, seared scallops, freshly cooked crays, pan-fried ocean trout, seafood chowder, barbecued prawns.

While kittens score highly on lovability, fish are at the other end of the (ahem) scale and are in dire need of an aggressive spin-doctor to make them more appealing.

But wait ? who?s that on the white charger rushing to the rescue?

It?s our old friends PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals), the folks who wanted Ben and Jerry?s to replace cow?s milk with human breast milk in their ice cream.

Stoked up on tofu, they?ve been brainstorming again and now they want fish renamed ?sea kittens? in the hope that dedicated piscivores will associate the ?kitten? part with something cute and cuddly and be immediately revulsed by the thought of ever eating fish again.

Their campaign is clearly aimed at children. They probably realise adults might resist the idea.

They rationalise:

Sea kittens are smart - scientists at Stanford University have discovered that fish have the reasoning capacity of 5-year-old children.Fish have long-term memories, which help them keep track of complex social relationships, and they can recognise individual "shoal" mates.Some sea kittens gather information by eavesdropping on others, and some use tools, such as the South African fish that lay their eggs on leaves and then carry them to safety.Sea kittens can tell time: Dr. Phil Gee, a psychologist at the University of Plymouth in the United Kingdom, trained fish to collect food by pressing a lever at specific times during the day.Fish can feel pain, and they suffer horribly when they are impaled on hooks or sliced open by the thin mesh of a fishing net.
They conveniently overlook the fact that sea kittens have also been smart enough to work out that if they don?t eat, they starve and that other sea kittens can taste pretty good, In fact probably a whole lot better than sea lettuce and seaweed. Clickthroughs on the campaign lead to PETA's anti-fishing site and to a vegetarian starter kit (which you have to be over 13 to obtain).

While I am all for eating only sustainable species and ensuring that fish stocks aren?t threatened by over-fishing, I think agitating for removing fish from the human diet is irresponsible. Many people rely on fish as part of their traditional diet. And it bestows many health benefits.

Calling fish ?sea kittens? won?t change anything. Sure, it might alter our perception of the ?loaves and fishes? story. ?Loaves and sea kittens? doesn?t have the same ring, but then neither does ?loaves and lentil patties.?

Does PETA want individual species renamed in keeping with the feline theme? Imagine the conversation at the sea-kittenmongers.

?Give me a kilo of tabby, three filleted Persians, and some smoked Siamese. Oh, and some lion for sashimi.?

"I'll take four of those soft-shelled ragdolls."

"Six of the red tabbies."

Far from the names putting us off eating sea kittens, pretty soon we might start eyeing the domestic Kitty and thinking it might make a tasty dish, too?

Here, Puss! No, I couldn?t. Using PETA's rationale, my cat is smart. She can tell the time ? breakfast time, snooze time, play time, rest time, dinner time, bedtime. She knows which members of the family will feed her and she will get under their feet till they do. She knows once one of her human family folds in half and sits down, she can leap on their lap. If they lie down, she can lie on top of them. Yep, she's smart and cute and I'd never dream of eating her.

But, little beast, she loves eating sea kittens.